Herein you shall find the first in a series of profound presentations by our own in-house columnist Peter. As a pundit of prose personifying the Peter Principle he is glad to emancipate the plebeian public from their right to think for themselves.
During a recent meeting of the ACLP, Committee chair Peter put forth the proposition that a new and cheaper system could replace the one that is doing nothing anyway. This epissany1 (not to be confused with epiphany) is as follows. Rather than waste all that money on elections and having to go around voting for the person you think will do the least damage, use the no-vote system. Basically, this system means that Peter would be registered as a candidate for the position of Big Boss. All eligible voters would, by NOT VOTING indicate that they want Peter to be the boss. By his reckoning, based on the last Provincial election he already has 197713 non-votes, making him the popular front runner by a long shot. By way of example, this system would make him the winner by a landslide for Mayor of Moncton. His platform is simple .. Once non elected he promises to do nothing, thereby making no mistakes. Unlike every party in power ever. All regional positions would be held by lottery as it is his position that good luck will beat the hell out of bad management… The advantages are apparent, lower cost, no need to make a decision based on opinion and as the lottery is a pay to play, we make money. To explain.. Rather than campaign and spend a lot of time and money as well as risking going to hell for lying, everyone can simply buy a lottery ticket for the position of their choice. So in the true spirit of democracy everyone has an equal chance of becoming a representative for whatever they feel like. In the case of supporting opposition parties they can be seen as the second place winners. Third place winners will be placed in a big empty oil drum and a draw will be held for a lovely lava lamp. All the money would go towards the Provincial Debt, minus a small commission for Peter. Since Peter will do nothing the population may submit their concerns in an online suggestion box. This will be built by Peter´s granddaughter using the WIX Website Bbuilder. as it is free. Some premature elections spots are from Peter`s close neighbors and a few are; Including the taxes in the price tag on everything. This helps avoid all that nasty math stuff, increases lifespan by reducing heart stress and blood pressure and avoiding the constant reminder that they just take it without so much as a thank.you. All government studies will be replaced with common sense. The old outdated hour will be replaced with the new ninety minute hour. This means that each existing hour will now have ninety minutes instead of the existing sixty. giving people more time to get things done, sleep, vacation and raising the minimum wage by 50 percent. When nobody is around the big bosses of government building Congregational room will be leased out to George the Barber. This is of particular note since George himself thinks that therein are the best examples of haircuts he has ever seen. Peter says one clip-joint for another seems about right. All complaints must be accompanied by a no-cost solution. In the event that Peter (who will do nothing) wants some publicity, he will encourage publicly (for free) the complainer to utilize and apply their accompanying solution in a cost-effective and timely manner…alone. This will be the new refined government message of *go do yourself*. All government signs that include a subsidy notification of any kind, such as ..*assisted by the government, or made possible with the assistance, will be changed to paid for by the people. The road to that other place will have a toll gate, after all people are using our roads to spend money there. It will be free however to enter our land mass, we are not greedy.
epissany.. Thought or inspiration commonly occurring after having imbibed a dozen of Mr. Olands finest, or a suitable substitute. The act of the true epissany occurs while very intently focusing on the ceramic tiles at eye level while avoiding any sidelong glances at others similarly employed. It is of note that all of the truly great epissinists are men.